Usually I can fall asleep on a dime. I have fallen asleep on top of speakers blaring music, in mid sentence, while driving, and especially within seconds of hitting the bed. Yet I find myself wide awake tonight watching reruns of Seinfeld, Friends and the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. When these episodes first ran, so did my life. I was still in high school pining over problems that high schoolers do, lovesickness, heartbreak, college prep exams, looking for an identity that worked. I never quite did get the girl or get into the school, but somehow I made it all the way to today.
Sitting in a random hotel room reinforcing my bubble of isolation. I am tired, and finally too tired to sleep. Physically I’m better rested than I have been in literally years. I have been waking up only when I’m done sleeping. I haven’t taken any meetings I didn’t want to take and have been reassessing what I really want out of the life I have left to live. For far too long I have had my priorities screwed up. The main thing hasn’t been the main thing at all. Somehow I have dealt with the fires in my life by starting new ones and spraying water on irrelevant ones. The resulting inferno has consumed my old life mercilessly.
In the aftermath I’ve found greenshoots of possibility, an array of choices that I’ve always had yet have always ignored. My blessings are plenty and they outpace even my many many mistakes. Grace is a powerful force and mercy even more so. I think the real reason why I can’t sleep is that I’m finally enjoying being awake.