The last goodbye

“The last goodbye’s the hardest one to say…”

Our monkey minds are pattern recognition machines. Yuval Harari in Sapiens will explain it far better than I can. Millennia of evolution have hammered it into our DNA literally. Although the singularity looks like it will occur any day now, it hasn’t happened yet. In the meantime I still have to grapple with the nonsense that ricochets around the dark corners of my mind.

When the lights are off and in the final moments before I fall asleep when there is no show to put on, I have often pondered the meaning of life and the vastness of the universe. So much so that it induces brutal panic attacks which leave me screaming at the top of my lungs banging on the floor to regain my semblance of sanity.

The thought of the vastness of space alone is enough to send me into a tailspin into the darkness.

Many lifetimes ago I was an avid student of history. It is replete with tales of abject terror and heroism. The darkest and brightest spots of humanity repeated ad nauseum. Many have suffered orders of magnitude more than I ever will yet we all can only really understand the pain of our own journey. The pain that we feel is real, the pain that others experience is theory for the most part and empathetic pain at best.

We are all incredibly selfish creatures thrust into an existence where we must rely on mutual self interest to perpetuate the species. What the hell does that have to do with George Strait saying goodbye?

I’ve spent pretty much all of my adult life catering to the needs of others and then channeling the resulting resentment into woefully destructive tendencies. These past few days I’ve finally acted as selfish as those usually around me and it feels pretty damn good. I can see why they do it.

The road ahead is bleak and dreary, hence the difficulty of the last goodbye.

This is where the cowboy rides away.


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