Undercapitalized over performance

I played like a man on fire today, as if my life depended on it, because it does. The biggest take away from the “socloseIcouldalmosttastethesweetnessofcompletevictorybutfuckeditupagain.” episode from yesterday was that I have developed a set of skills over nearly two decades of degeneracy. This has been a weekend of intense introspection as I revisited layer upon layer of memories and experiences. How did I end up here and now in this situation? Where did I continually repeat the same mistakes? Where did I fail to draw the line? Who did I not say fuck you to enough? Who did I say fuck you to too much?

Mark Manson talks about certain traumas that are ingrained in our psyches from an early age which anchor within our deep subconscious minds certain values and subsequent patterns which affect each and every decision we make. Correspondingly Tony Robbins highlights 6 human needs; certainty, variety, significance, growth, love/connection and contribution. Some people say they want to be a billionaire, but don’t want to be bothered. My need for significance derives from my need for love and connection which I then disguise by leading with variety and growth. In other words I was a fucked up little fat kid who discovered the power of money early on in life and then discovered the futility of money when looking for actual love.

This is why I can measure the milestones of my adult life along casino trips; first to Turning Stone in Buffalo then Atlantic City then the Fabulous Las Vegas, and of course the grand daddy Macau. My social life was tethered to my bankroll or lack thereof ever since I’ve been able to put down a bet. Eventually I immersed myself in my businesses to mask my lack of real friends and real connections. When everything in life becomes transactional, the psychic toll is enormous.

I am still paying the price.

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